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Trying not to Jinx Everything

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Y’all – remember when we went outside without worrying about, ya know, the whole global pandemic? Back then, I was full of hope that 2020 was going to be the time that I finally got my head together and published Through the Lens.

Yeah, about that…

I worked solidly through my edits, and I started pushing toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, Ahmaud Arbery was murdered. The pandemic got worse. Then George Floyd was murdered. The pandemic got worse. Then the election. The pandemic got worse. Then January 6. The pandemic got worse, and we decided we’d ignore it. Then, then, then.

I shut down. I stopped doing anything and everything outside of basic functional responsibilities. Family and work were all I could get myself out of bed to do. I started a new day job in the middle of 2021 as well, and every ounce of energy not expended to just get through the day was spent on trying to learn a new company and manage new people who were not used to having a manager who didn’t live in the same area as they did.

Opening up Scrivener caused me outright anxiety, let alone thinking about writing anything. I attempted to work on edits, even getting a new editor for Lens, but I just couldn’t seem to focus for more than short bursts.

That, my friends, is all to say, Depression sucks. Depression lies. Depression knocks you flat on your ass to where you don’t want to get up off the floor.

While I’m not ‘fixed’ yet (the joys of being bipolar means you just figure out what works and what doesn’t) I am writing again. For the moment, I’ve paused edits on Lens, and I’ve been remembering how to write with a new, completely off-brand for me Fantasy for this year’s Nanowrimo project, and it’s honestly going really well. I feel like I’m slowly digging myself out of this hole.

On the plus side, I can work on my own schedule because I plan to self-publish, but I am starting pretty much from scratch because of the last two (almost three) years. While disappointing, I’m feeling confident that I’ve finally had the shift that I’ve been struggling with for so long.

Onwards, y’all.

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